8 Things to Consider when a Transgender Individual Comes Out to You

When a Transgender individual comes out to you and tells you how they feel and have felt for a long time, there are some things you really need to take into consideration.

First, chances are, they have struggled with their feelings of gender dysphoria for a very long time and have been trying to keep those feelings suppressed so that they can live a “normal” life just like everyone else.  Eventually, they hit a wall, a point where they really have no choice but to deal with the disconnect between their gender and birth sex.  Different people handle this in different ways, but one thing seems to be common, either they take some measures to manage their dysphoria (it can be anything as small as little lifestyle changes, all the way up to fully transitioning.  It all depends on the person) or they end up suicidal and, in most cases, end up dead or addicted to drugs in an effort to get rid of their pain.

Second, they were probably terrified to tell you about such an intimate part of themselves but yet they came out and told you anyway.  That shows a great amount of trust that they have placed in you.  One of the worst things you can do is to proceed to invalidate the way that they feel and reject the notion that they have experienced the dysphoria that they deal with.  You won’t be able to truly understand it because you have never experienced it yourself and that’s OK, you don’t have to understand it in order to be accepting of them for who they are.

Third, there is no way, no tests, that will provide concrete evidence that the way they say they feel is true.  You have to take them at their word that they feel the way they tell you because to demand proof of they feel how they feel, that they suffer from the dysphoria that they have described, is impossible.  You might as well demand that they deliver the Sun to you on a silver platter after they have plucked it from the sky while riding a unicorn.  By demanding proof like this, you are basically telling them that you don’t believe that they are capable of knowing how they feel or that they are not capable of knowing what they have struggled with internally.  It shows a lack of trust in them and is incredibly disrespectful, especially after they have put so much trust in you.

Fourth, it is OK to grieve the loss of your mother/father, son/daughter, brother/sister, husband/wife, or friend, this is normal because in a sense, the person you have known is going away, some even view it as an actual death.  But, just because this is a perfectly normal way to feel and you have a right to your feelings, try to keep in mind that the person you are grieving is still there.  Don’t be afraid to talk about how you are feeling with them because communication is an important step in continuing to maintain a good relationship.  If you bottle your feelings up inside, you risk breeding resentment towards them and that will only harm things between the two of you.  All you have seen until then has been only a part of a person, now you will have the opportunity to get to know the whole person that has been there the whole time but was hidden.  As you get to know the whole person, chances are, you will find that they are much more open now and are significantly happier.

Fifth, the fact that they have come out to you is a likely sign that they have reached the point to where they have to do take whatever steps are necessary to manage their dysphoria.  Sometimes, they will tell the person that is closest to them, even if they are still trying to suppress and reject the way they feel, because they realize that the dysphoria is never going to go away and they want that person to know about it because the resulting depression could affect their behavior in the future.

Sixth, when it comes to the treatment of gender dysphoria, there is no miracle drug that can make it go away.  The only ways of treating gender dysphoria that has been shown repeatedly to reduce it to a point that it is more easily managed is to go on HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) if the person is healthy enough to do so.  When cross sex hormones are given to someone who suffers from gender dysphoria, they tend to experience a huge amount of relief from the dysphoria which is why it is so much easier to manage.  It has been shown that trying the opposite, giving them hormones that are more in line with their birth sex, tends to make the dysphoria significantly worse, causing extreme mental anguish.  All that in mind, HRT is not a miracle cure.  The transgender individual will still have to deal with flare-ups of their dysphoria from time to time just as people who are antidepressants have to deal with flare-ups of their depression occasionally.

Seventh, if the transgender individual has started HRT, please be patient with them.  They are having to learn to adjust to the emotional effects of the hormones they are on and that takes time.  Basically, they are going through a second puberty.  Transmen have to learn to control the more violent emotions that testosterone tends to bring out as well as a significant increase to their sex drives all the while, their bodies are changing to a more masculine appearance.  Transwomen, on the other hand, tend to become more emotional when it comes to the plethora of other emotions that are out there.  A video of a kitten who was abandoned but was found by a kind human who takes it in and raises it to be a happy cat can easily make a transwoman first cry from sadness for what the poor kitten has gone through, before making them weep with joy at the happy ending and the beauty of the story.  They are along for the ride on an emotional roller coaster until they adjust to the physical changes that are occurring in their bodies.  Some experience a monthly (between 24 to 32 day cycles) hormonal period (that is between 3 to 6 days long) that (other than the lack of bleeding due to the lack of uterus) affects them in the same ways it affects cisgender women, that can include cramps, bloating, acne, tender breasts, extreme increases to appetite, nausea, diarrhea, constipation, lower back pain, fatigue, and extreme mood swings to varying degrees.  These periods vary from woman to woman in length, symptoms and intensities, just like they do with cisgender women.

Eighth, it is actually kind of rude to ask the number one questions that most people ask which is “So, are you going to get THE surgery?” or “Have you had THE surgery?”  It is none of your business what is going on in their pants unless you are in an intimate relationship the them.  So please, let them have their privacy in this regard, if they want you to know, they will let you know.

So please, if someone who is transgender does come out to you, or has come out to you recently, keep these things in mind.  They have been through a lot, are going through a lot, and are going to go through a lot.  They need your love and support instead of your harsh words and rejection of their experiences.  To my knowledge, there are no transgender people who wanted to be trans, they didn’t ask for it but, once they come to terms with what they are, they can at least try to make the best of it and the more support they have, the better.  You don’t have to understand it, nor do you have to agree with it, to be loving, supportive, and respectful of their identity.

- Arylin Michelle