One of the biggest lessons I have had to learn since coming to
terms with being transgender and deciding to do what I have to do to keep
living, is that I have had to accept the fact that I could lose everything,
just for the sake of survival.
Once I knew I had no real choice (I say no real choice because the
other option is death) left in the matter of whether or not to begin pursuing
transition to whatever degree I would need to, I had to accept that all the
fears that had held me back for so long, all the potential losses, could now
happen. I could lose my family, my
friends, my job, my reputation, my financial security, my life, my access to
healthcare, my place of residence… And most importantly, the person that I love
the most. I had to come to terms with
that because, seeing that I had no choice (as I see it) in the matter, everyone
and everything that I thought I could rely on was no longer assured to be there
when I needed them.
When it comes to my immediate family, I had to accept that once I
told them about me, they would want nothing to do with me and would never
accept me as a daughter, sister, or niece.
I had to accept that the main pillar of support that I had all
throughout my life, the people that I thought I could always rely on no matter
what, could be ripped out from under my feet.
Even if they didn’t completely reject me, I still had to accept that no
matter how far I go with my transition, even if I go all the way to getting SRS
while living full time in the role of the sex that matches my gender, there is
a chance I will always be the son, brother, nephew that they have known me to
be until now. They could completely
reject my identity and never respect it.
I had to come to accept that if that were to happen, I would need to be
the one to let go, no matter how much it hurt, for my own sake. Likewise, I have had to learn patience
because in some cases, it may not be a straight out rejection, but them taking
the time they need to process, grieve, and come to terms with what is happening.
Of my friends, I have had to accept that they could do the same as
my family and, I have had a few tell me immediately after I told them, that
they want nothing more to do with me.
The sad thing is, these few were the ones I thought would be the most
accepting and supportive of the changes to come in my life. Simply by choosing to live, I have found out
who my true friends are and aren’t.
On the subject of my job, I work in the construction industry and,
due to the nature of the sort of people that tend to work in that industry, I
have heard a lot of anti-trans and transphobic talk. I have had to realize that, when I come out
at work, I could be fired without reason and, due to the current administration
in Washington DC, the current Federal discrimination laws aren’t going to
protect me. I have had to start taking
steps to increase my chances of finding another job should I lose my current
one, in particular, I have started looking into online courses to expand my
skill set.
If I were to lose my job, I would lose my access to that
healthcare and medications I need. Not
being able to afford my antidepressants and hormones would more than likely be
deadly to me. Luckily, there are
programs that can help for a short term period, should the worst happen, but
that is defiantly not a permanent solution.
As for the potential loss of my life, I have had to come to accept
that simply being transgender, greatly increases the risk of physical violence
against me. Transgender people have a 1
in 12 chance of being murdered simply because they exist. Not only does the risk of murder go up
though, so does the risk of beatings, rape, and other violent crimes, when all
they wanted to do is live their lives in peace.
It also doesn’t help that a lot of people see transgender people as
sexual deviants and perverts, as the whole Bathroom bill BS has proven.
The hardest lesson, though, has been when it comes to my spouse. I have had to accept that there is a chance
she will leave me and want nothing to do with me. I know that she, more than anyone else, feels
that I have lied and deceived her, creating a lot of anger towards me, even
though I never intended to do so. She
feels as though I should have never pursued a relationship with her because I
knew what I was at the time, never mind the fact that I was trying my best to
suppress the feelings I had and live as the man I was perceived to be with no
intentions of ever reaching the point I am at now. I thought that I would always be able to live
the role that I was trapped in and never have to acknowledge the woman that I
was keeping locked away inside. When I
was first diagnosed with depression, I told her about my struggles with gender
dysphoria because that was one of the contributing factors to the depressive
state I was in at the time. I thought
that with the antidepressants I was put on, the dysphoria would be a non-issue
and I could continue to live as the man that she had married, continuing to
keep the woman locked away, never to see the light of day. I was foolish to think that and, as time
marched on, that part of me once again started to make her presence known. Now, because of my foolishness in thinking I
could escape what I am, I have hurt the person that I love more than anything
and have jeopardized our entire relationship.
I want to make our relationship work, I’m not ready to give up on it,
but, I have also had to come to accept that, no matter how much I want to make
things work, there is a chance that she has already given up on it. Right now, I hope that we can at least remain
good friends because of how much we have shared together but, I’m not even sure
if that will be possible. I want her to
talk to me, tell me what is going on with her, even though I know it will hurt
me. I don’t want her to feel like I
think her feelings aren’t valid or that she doesn’t have a right to express
them because it might cause me pain. I
know that I have broken her trust in me.
I know that I have wounded her deeply.
I know that I have probably lost her already and that is what makes this
one of the most painful lessons that I have ever had to learn.
I never wanted to be transgender, nor would I wish it upon anyone
else. It sucks. It eats you up inside and threatens to destroy
everything you know and love. It hurts
the people you care about the most and breeds resentment in the strongest of
relationships. The worst part of all, at
least for me, is the lack of choice in the matter. I want to live, even if it means I have to
lose everything, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try to fight to keep
what I have.
Now, I know this post has a heap of negativity in it, but that’s
because this is a very negative subject.
Because of all the negativity, I feel that I should at least throw a
little positivity in and to that end I’m just going to point out a couple of
things. Since starting the hormones and
moving towards transition, I am much happier, in a much better place mentally
and starting to become more comfortable with my body. Now instead of struggling against myself, I
have come to embrace the woman inside and in doing so, I am learning to love
who I truly am. By taking that internal
struggle against who I really am out of the equation, the future has become a
lot brighter and that makes a world of difference because, as bleak as the
things I mentioned above can get, they are not guarantees. Everything has the potential to go the
opposite direction from what all is mentioned above, and knowing that gives me
hope that despite all the risks, all the things I have had to accept that I
might lose, it will all work out for the better in the end. I may even be completely wrong about how far
gone the relationship with my spouse is, after all, it’s very possible she is
just working through her emotions as well and in the end we could come closer
than we ever were before. I have a whole
life ahead of me and, despite the lack of choice when it comes to being
transgender, I am determined to make the best of it and try to look on the
bright side while preparing for the worst.
- Arylin Michelle
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