Skip to main content

Interlude 1 - I Am Who I Am


*Since the purpose of this blog is to give people some insight into how I got to the point I am currently at in my life, I figured it would be appropriate to repost a few things from the past that were posted to blogs that I had used as outlets in an effort to manage my feelings.  These posts will be labeled as interludes and will appear sporadically in between my regular posts.*
I am who I am.  That will never change.  I don’t like what I am.  That will never change.  Very few people know the struggle that I live with every day of my life, even fewer know about the real me.  I want to be free to be me, but I know that that will never happen.  I want to shout from the rooftops, tell the world who I am inside, shatter the illusion I maintain for the sake of society.  I want to tell the world so that I don’t have to pretend anymore.  I want to be able to be who I am not who people think I should be.  I want to break these chains that I have placed on myself to hold me in, shatter them and scatter them to the corners of the earth, but that will never happen.
The world is a dangerous place for people like me.  We have no place that we belong, no place to retreat to when the world is out to get us.  Once the world finds out who we are then it is only a matter of time before we find ourselves beaten and bloody, sometimes physically, sometimes mentally and sometimes spiritually.  The places that we once could go to escape, places that are supposed to be filled with family and love, are shut off.   There is no escape at that point, no way to get away, no place to retreat too.  We are truly alone.
I have to hide myself, tuck my true self into a corner, not letting the world see me for what I truly am.  I do this partially out of fear and partially out of shame.  I’m afraid of what people will think, I’m afraid of how they will treat me if only they knew.  I am ashamed of the fear that plagues me.  It causes me to be miserable in my life.  Maybe one day I will revel myself to the world, but that is going to be no time soon.  For now, I just sit in this shell and wait, living the lie I live.  No one suspects, no one knows, no one sees, the real me.

 - Arylin Michelle (1/12/2012)
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

It has been quite some time...

It has been quite some time since I have posted anything to this blog so I figured I would give a bit of an update...  I am coming up on 3 years on HRT and have changed my name legally now.  My spouse and I are still together though our relationship isn't quite the same as it was, nor will it ever be again, I am just honored to still have her in my life and to have her love and support.  My family is a different story.  I don't think I will ever talk to my mother again, at least not unless she can get off her high horse and admit that she fucked up.  She wants to blame me and accuse me of making the choice to leave the family while she was the one constantly implying that she had rather I died than be trans.  She kept crossing the line I told her not to cross and I gave her multiple chances because of the simple fact that I love her and she is my mother.  Eventually she pushed too far and told me "this is goodbye" one too many times so, I ga...
Post a Comment
Read more

The "What Could Have Been" Train of Thought

It seems that more and more I find myself looking back at my past and wondering what could have been, what would my life be like if I made different decisions, followed different paths, or even been born in the right body.   I know that it isn’t healthy to dwell on the past too much but I still find it to be an interesting exercise and, mainly due to my cynical nature, these scenarios tend to end on a bit of a downer.   I suspect that everyone has thoughts like this about their lives, in that I’m nothing special, but I do wonder how many people can look back and say that they are grateful for the experiences they have had due to the choices they made, as well as things they had no control over, throughout their life.   One of the big “what ifs” that I tend to think about is, “what if I had been born as a girl in body as well as in mind?”   I imagine what life would have been like growing up and being socialized as female instead of male and I find it really eas...
Post a Comment
Read more

My Marriage and a Glimpse of the Road Ahead

My marriage is very important to me and I never wanted to do anything that would jeopardize it which is one of the reasons it took me so long to accept the fact that I can’t change what I am.   I am transgender.   I have a spouse who is heterosexual and doesn’t want to be with a woman and that is one of the things that makes this such a complicated issue since I am a transwoman.   I never asked to be this way, I never chose to be this way.   My spouse never chose to marry a transwoman but that’s exactly what she got.   It wasn’t fair to her and it has hurt her which I hate.   If I had known that I would end up where I am now, I’m not sure that I would have gone through with marrying her just the save her from the pain I have caused her but, I didn’t know that then so thinking like that is a little pointless. The thing is, because of me and my foolishness in thinking I could keep this part of me suppressed, I pursued her and as a result, we got into a re...
Post a Comment
Read more