My marriage is very important to me and I never wanted to do
anything that would jeopardize it which is one of the reasons it took me so
long to accept the fact that I can’t change what I am. I am transgender. I have a spouse who is heterosexual and doesn’t
want to be with a woman and that is one of the things that makes this such a
complicated issue since I am a transwoman.
I never asked to be this way, I never chose to be this way. My spouse never chose to marry a transwoman
but that’s exactly what she got. It
wasn’t fair to her and it has hurt her which I hate. If I had known that I would end up where I am
now, I’m not sure that I would have gone through with marrying her just the
save her from the pain I have caused her but, I didn’t know that then so
thinking like that is a little pointless.
The thing is, because of me and my foolishness in thinking I could
keep this part of me suppressed, I pursued her and as a result, we got into a
relationship that has evolved to the point it is at today. We are married, we both love each other, and
we both want to reach the best solution for the both of us when it comes to our
relationship. She tells me that she
doesn’t want to do anything to influence my transition so that I will feel free
to do what I need to do in order to be comfortable and happy with myself. At the same time, I try to take how this is
affecting her into consideration in order to make my transition as easy as I
can on her so that I cause her as little pain as possible. We both acknowledge that this is the right
thing for me to do, even if it is painful to us both. We both acknowledge the differences that just
going on HRT has made in my life and now that I have started spending more and
more time living authentically as who I really am; we both have seen the
differences that has made in addition to the HRT.
As I go out as myself more and more, I realize how important it
really is for me to be able to be out as the person I really am instead of the
person I have pretended to be for so many years. It was time for the monthly meeting of my
support group just this weekend before last and, I have been making an effort to go to
the meetings as myself in order to become more comfortable with being out in
public while being authentic about who and what I am. I had gotten a little over halfway done with
my makeup when, due to nerves and anxiety, I started to sweat and as a result,
sweated parts of my makeup off that no matter how much I tried to repair, it
just wasn’t happening; so I had to go to the meeting presenting male which was
extremely distressing and depressing to me.
I did my best to make myself engage and participate in the support group
as I could but I am ashamed to say that despite my efforts I still retreated
back into my own little corner for the most part. It wasn’t until the next day that I really
realized how important it really was to me to be able to be out in an authentic
role for myself and because of this, I realize how high the likelihood of me
going fulltime has become. There is
still a chance that I may be able to skirt by, living only part time, but only
time will tell for sure.
The biggest issue with me going fulltime isn’t with my job (an
issue I still haven’t quite figured out how to handle yet) nor is it what
people will think of me, the biggest issue is the end of my marriage and the
pain that it will cause my spouse. I
know that if I go fulltime, it is over and the fact that I am, in my opinion,
quickly moving in that direction terrifies me and upsets me. I never in my life wanted to jeopardize my
marriage and I never wanted to hurt my spouse either. It is bad enough knowing that I have hurt her
already just by doing what I have done even though, as I mentioned before, both
she and I have acknowledged that this was the right thing for me to do because
of the benefits I have experienced thus far.
But, I know that as I move closer to going fulltime the pain to her will
only increase, that each step in that direction is at her expense. I hate that and I wish that there was another
way, but I’m going to keep going as far as I need too because I know that she
wouldn’t want me to stop short of where I need to be because of her.
I hope that wherever we both end up when all of this is said and
done, to whatever end that goes to, that we will still be in one another others
life because of the bond we both have. She
has helped me in several things regarding my transition multiple times when she
didn’t have to. She has helped me put
together outfits for when I have been out as well as critiquing my makeup so
that I could get it right, basic things I would have learned growing up if I
had been born a girl. She even helped me
through my first period as well as some of the more debilitating ones that I
have had and never once has she asked for anything in return other than to
continue doing what I must in order to be happy. She is my best friend, she is my love, she is
my rock and I can’t imagine life without her in it to some capacity. The support that she has shown to me when I
needed it has been invaluable and I cherish every moment that I get to have
with her.
- Arylin Michelle
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