My New Life

To the few people out there that read this blog, after my next post (the ask me anything post, assuming I have any questions to answer) I am planning on shutting it down, at least for the time being.   I may occasionally put a new post up here or there but considering that there really is no point behind this blog anymore now that I am no longer talking to my mother and I never hear from my brother so I don’t know where I currently stand with him, I will only post something when I feel I really need the outlet. I was really hoping that in doing this blog I could give the people who have been so important to me throughout my life a better understanding about where I’m coming from and why I am transitioning but, you just can’t make some people care enough to see past their own insecurities.   As long as they are hung up on their own crap there is no way they will see that I am doing this because it is what I have to do, nor will they see the improvement that beginning this j...

I will never have the look that I want. I will never have the body that I want. I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress. I will never be beautiful. I will never be pretty. I will never be sexy. I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am. I will always be ugly. I will always be hideous. I will always be disgusting. I will always be trapped. I will always hate my body. I will always hate myself. I will always be male. I can do nothing to change this. I can do nothing. I wish I were braver. I wish I could take that final step. I wish I could leave this pain behind. I wish people would listen to my cries. I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard. I am dying inside but no one can see. I hurt. I ache. I long for release. I hate this. I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women. I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it. I hate how I can never be like them. I hate how cheated I f...

I haven’t really spoken to my mother that much since the post where I touched on the fact that I was molested as a child.   If you will recall, in that post I stated that “…and I don’t want to name them either because this person is no longer alive and I don’t want to cause their family pain.   I have never told anyone else the identity of this person and that information will go with me to my grave because enough pain has been caused by their actions, there is no need to cause more.” And I still stand by that statement which is one of the reasons I believe that she has completely avoided me since I told her that I didn’t want to tell her the name and that I wouldn’t until I was ready.   You see, after that post, I got an email from her demanding that I tell her who the individual was that molested me and despite my attempt to compromise and give her a description instead of a name she doubled down and I had to give her a firm “No” because I am not ready to tell anyone ...

My marriage is very important to me and I never wanted to do anything that would jeopardize it which is one of the reasons it took me so long to accept the fact that I can’t change what I am.   I am transgender.   I have a spouse who is heterosexual and doesn’t want to be with a woman and that is one of the things that makes this such a complicated issue since I am a transwoman.   I never asked to be this way, I never chose to be this way.   My spouse never chose to marry a transwoman but that’s exactly what she got.   It wasn’t fair to her and it has hurt her which I hate.   If I had known that I would end up where I am now, I’m not sure that I would have gone through with marrying her just the save her from the pain I have caused her but, I didn’t know that then so thinking like that is a little pointless. The thing is, because of me and my foolishness in thinking I could keep this part of me suppressed, I pursued her and as a result, we got into a re...

Why can’t I say what I mean to say when I speak?   I try to convey my thoughts and feelings in an effort to express myself through speech yet only incoherent noise escapes my lips.   No matter how hard I try, how hard I struggle; the words just don’t come out right.   All I want to do is speak my mind, to let people know who I am and what I think, yet as always it comes back to the fact that I cannot speak.   I think it comes from the need to hide who I am from the world.   All my life I have been told that I had to conform to the role that society has set for me.   When I was growing up, every time I did something that did not fit into the role that someone thought I should fit into, I was mocked and ridiculed, told I was a freak.   Overtime I learned to fit into the role that had been defined for me, conform lest I be destroyed.   Because of this I am an actor, an actor on the stage of life, one of the best actors that have ever lived. ...

March 31 is the Transgender Day of Visibility for 2018 and in light of that, I want to do something a little different.   On March 31, I am going to answer any questions about being transgender that anyone out there wants to ask me, to the best of my ability.   You can ask me on Facebook or you can ask in the comments section on this page.   I will take the questions asked and edit this post to show both the question and my reply.   I am hoping to get few questions at the very least but I am hoping for more seeing as I tend to get about 20 views per post on average.   So, without further delay, here I am, ask away. - Arylin Michelle

It seems that more and more I find myself looking back at my past and wondering what could have been, what would my life be like if I made different decisions, followed different paths, or even been born in the right body.   I know that it isn’t healthy to dwell on the past too much but I still find it to be an interesting exercise and, mainly due to my cynical nature, these scenarios tend to end on a bit of a downer.   I suspect that everyone has thoughts like this about their lives, in that I’m nothing special, but I do wonder how many people can look back and say that they are grateful for the experiences they have had due to the choices they made, as well as things they had no control over, throughout their life.   One of the big “what ifs” that I tend to think about is, “what if I had been born as a girl in body as well as in mind?”   I imagine what life would have been like growing up and being socialized as female instead of male and I find it really eas...

Have you ever seen a sky so blue as the one we lie under right now? I feel it calling to me, reaching out to pluck me from this earth. Have you ever seen an ocean so clear as the one we are floating on? I hear the depths calling my name, calling me home. Have you ever seen a night so black as the one in my soul? It grips my heart, clenching and squeezing, consuming it whole. Have you ever heard a cry so sad as the one to pass from my lips? It aches and breaks me, ripping me down to the moment of my birth. Have you ever felt so betrayed as I do because of you? You broke me before I ever had a chance, no choice was given. Have you ever cursed someone as I now curse you? You did this, you will never make it right, you just don’t understand. How does it feel to know that I am your mistake and I hate you for it? I hope it burns you to your very core because you deserve no less. How do you feel when you see me, knowing I will never forgive? I hope it hurts you...

To continue where I left off on the previous post… I have mentioned in another post that some transwomen get a cycle similar to that of cisgender women.   Because I have already talked about this before, I won’t go into the different ways they experience them but, seeing as I am one of the lucky ones that does get a period (shadow period if it makes you feel better… and the person I am addressing knows who they are. ;P ) I will talk a little about my experience with them.   My periods tend to be on a 25-day cycle, tend to last 4 to 5 days, and I have been having them since about the 3-week mark after starting HRT.   A couple of days before, I tend to get very moody, either crying or getting extremely irritated at the drop of a hat, sometimes for no real reason and I also tend to get acne breakouts as if my body is heralding in the fun to come with an undesired display.   During my period I tend to get cramps, most of the times they are painful but manageable thou...

When preparing to start HRT, I was bombarded with information about the potential risks and side effects that come from it as well as the changes that I would most likely experience from the hormones.   On top of that, because of the people in some of the Facebook groups that I am in, there were other, less common side effects that I learned about.   This post is mainly for the cisgender people out there that read this and are not familiar with this subject.   I will be giving some of my personal experiences with HRT and its effects on me as examples. I guess that I should first start with the scary stuff, the risks, that come with being on HRT.   Some of the things in the Risks category are extremely dangerous but, after weighing the potential of them against the known factor of suicide, I personally decided to take my chances with the potentials as opposed to repeatedly attempting suicide till it stuck.   One of the risks that is usually pointed out is t...

You said you'd lift me up. You said you'd hold my hand. You said you'd take my pain, Make me understand. You said you'd cover me. You said you'd fill my need. You said you'd always care, But y ou stand there as I bleed. I thought you had my back, But n ow I am bleeding from it. I thought you really loved me, But you don't give a shit! You really fucked me over! You set me up just to fail! You enjoy all my misery, Alone i n this personal hell. What the fuck did I do? Do to deserve this all? Why d id you build me up? Was it to watch me fall? I can't believe I trusted you! You must have always hated me! You made me into a cruel joke, This is the only truth I see! - Arylin Michelle (1/13/2010)

As I have grown as a person and learned to accept what I am, my views on God and religion have changed.   My current view of God is that he is a loving God who, either by design or by chance, has allowed people like myself to be made.   I don’t know why he allows transgender people to exist but who am I to think I could know the mind of God.   I do have a couple of opinions about why we exist (I will not be going into that with this post) but these are simply my opinions as will be the most of the content in this post.   Personally, I don’t think of God as either male nor female and think that the fact that society genders God is ridiculous, though, due to the limitations of the English language, I will refer to God in this post by the gendered pronouns that are used the most currently.   When I was a child and first grasped the concept of God, I actually had a view of him as a wrathful and vengeful God that you needed to do everything in your power to not p...