My New Life

To the few people out there that read this blog, after my next post (the ask me anything post, assuming I have any questions to answer) I am planning on shutting it down, at least for the time being.   I may occasionally put a new post up here or there but considering that there really is no point behind this blog anymore now that I am no longer talking to my mother and I never hear from my brother so I don’t know where I currently stand with him, I will only post something when I feel I really need the outlet. I was really hoping that in doing this blog I could give the people who have been so important to me throughout my life a better understanding about where I’m coming from and why I am transitioning but, you just can’t make some people care enough to see past their own insecurities.   As long as they are hung up on their own crap there is no way they will see that I am doing this because it is what I have to do, nor will they see the improvement that beginning this j...

I will never have the look that I want. I will never have the body that I want. I will never be able to dress the way that I want to dress. I will never be beautiful. I will never be pretty. I will never be sexy. I will never really be the woman that I feel that I am. I will always be ugly. I will always be hideous. I will always be disgusting. I will always be trapped. I will always hate my body. I will always hate myself. I will always be male. I can do nothing to change this. I can do nothing. I wish I were braver. I wish I could take that final step. I wish I could leave this pain behind. I wish people would listen to my cries. I wish I could cry louder in order to be heard. I am dying inside but no one can see. I hurt. I ache. I long for release. I hate this. I hate the jealousy I feel when I look at other women. I hate how they can be so lucky and not know it. I hate how I can never be like them. I hate how cheated I f...

I haven’t really spoken to my mother that much since the post where I touched on the fact that I was molested as a child.   If you will recall, in that post I stated that “…and I don’t want to name them either because this person is no longer alive and I don’t want to cause their family pain.   I have never told anyone else the identity of this person and that information will go with me to my grave because enough pain has been caused by their actions, there is no need to cause more.” And I still stand by that statement which is one of the reasons I believe that she has completely avoided me since I told her that I didn’t want to tell her the name and that I wouldn’t until I was ready.   You see, after that post, I got an email from her demanding that I tell her who the individual was that molested me and despite my attempt to compromise and give her a description instead of a name she doubled down and I had to give her a firm “No” because I am not ready to tell anyone ...

My marriage is very important to me and I never wanted to do anything that would jeopardize it which is one of the reasons it took me so long to accept the fact that I can’t change what I am.   I am transgender.   I have a spouse who is heterosexual and doesn’t want to be with a woman and that is one of the things that makes this such a complicated issue since I am a transwoman.   I never asked to be this way, I never chose to be this way.   My spouse never chose to marry a transwoman but that’s exactly what she got.   It wasn’t fair to her and it has hurt her which I hate.   If I had known that I would end up where I am now, I’m not sure that I would have gone through with marrying her just the save her from the pain I have caused her but, I didn’t know that then so thinking like that is a little pointless. The thing is, because of me and my foolishness in thinking I could keep this part of me suppressed, I pursued her and as a result, we got into a re...

Why can’t I say what I mean to say when I speak?   I try to convey my thoughts and feelings in an effort to express myself through speech yet only incoherent noise escapes my lips.   No matter how hard I try, how hard I struggle; the words just don’t come out right.   All I want to do is speak my mind, to let people know who I am and what I think, yet as always it comes back to the fact that I cannot speak.   I think it comes from the need to hide who I am from the world.   All my life I have been told that I had to conform to the role that society has set for me.   When I was growing up, every time I did something that did not fit into the role that someone thought I should fit into, I was mocked and ridiculed, told I was a freak.   Overtime I learned to fit into the role that had been defined for me, conform lest I be destroyed.   Because of this I am an actor, an actor on the stage of life, one of the best actors that have ever lived. ...

March 31 is the Transgender Day of Visibility for 2018 and in light of that, I want to do something a little different.   On March 31, I am going to answer any questions about being transgender that anyone out there wants to ask me, to the best of my ability.   You can ask me on Facebook or you can ask in the comments section on this page.   I will take the questions asked and edit this post to show both the question and my reply.   I am hoping to get few questions at the very least but I am hoping for more seeing as I tend to get about 20 views per post on average.   So, without further delay, here I am, ask away. - Arylin Michelle